incognitobackup: (H_E -- HoM Professor Snape)
[personal profile] incognitobackup
So I was poking around on the UCI site today, and I stumbled upon the productions that the drama department is putting on. (HERE)

I'm definately auditioning for the two non-musical plays (Still Life and Moon), mostly because I just did a musical and also because I don't have any songs currently under my belt.

Also, I think I've fallen in love with Judas Iscariot. I am TOTALLY auditioning for that one. I WANT TO BE THE SEXY FEMINIST DEFENSE ATTORNEY. It totally fits me. I was the lead defense in gov a couple months ago, I am a firm believer in Female Power, and I AM INCREDIBLY SEXY, DUH. Ahem. I think it could be totally awesome.

Anyway, I am starting to pick monologues. I don't know what they're going to want (classic/contemp, dramatic/comedic, etc), so I'm sort of putting together a set of three (classic, dramatic, comedic).

I don't know how many of you lovlies on my flist are involved with theatre, but I'm going to put the two monologues I have here and I'd like to see what y'all think of them anyway.

Think not I love him, though I ask for him.
'Tis but a peevish boy; yet he talks well;
But what care I for words? yet words do well,
When he that speaks them pleases those that hear.
It is a pretty youth: not very pretty:
But, sure, he's proud; and yet his pride becomes him:
He'll make a proper man: the best thing in him
Is his complexion; and faster than his tongue
Did make offence his eye did heal it up.
He is not very tall; yet for his years he's tall:
His leg is but so so; and yet 'tis well:
There was a pretty redness in his lip,
A little riper and more lusty red
Than that mix'd in his cheek; 'twas just the difference
Betwixt the constant red and mingled damask.
There be some women, Silvius, had they mark'd him
In parcels as I did, would have gone near
To fall in love with him; but, for my part,
I love him not nor hate him not; and yet
Have more cause to hate him than to love him:
For what had he to do to chide at me?
He said mine eyes were black and my hair black;
And, now I am remember'd, scorn'd at me.
I marvel why I answer'd not again:
But that's all one; omittance is no quittance.
I'll write to him a very taunting letter,
And thou shalt bear it: wilt thou, Silvius?

His eyes hurt me. They're all going to come home with that look of having been through things we know nothing about. How are we ever going to make it up to them? He came in here as if he didn't belong, as if he weren't sure. Florence, we were tongue-tied. We couldn't seem to say anything. And then I started going on about that damn fool lamp! It was the worst thing I couldk have done; it gave him the feeling that I didn't need him, I could get along without him. It isn't true, but I don't know how to make him know it! (Beat.) The coming back is almost as hard as the going away. Don't lets force it. It's a big thing, when a husband comes home from war. It hasn't happened to any of us before. We have to be patient with ourselves.

I did the Soldier's Wife one in drama last year. It's actually a comedy, but that scene is really emotional. Also, she had just been laquering chairs all day and so her brain cells are bound to be a little adled. I love that monologue. It's nice and short and I do it really well.

Now all I have to do is find a comedic monologue and I'm all set for fall auditions. I have one comedic that I ADORE and that I've done before, and which I think I'm going to use for the Judas Iscariot play. Oh hell, I'll just put it here, too. It's rather long. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to check that... No, I'm afraid it clearly does not fit in the overhead compartment... Sir, your Buisness Class ticket does not entitle you to an entire overhead compartment... Sir, I'm afraid I can't ask them to do that... Yes, I know you paid more than they did, but you do get a slightly wider seat and-- I'm going to have to ask you to return to Business Class, sir... Give me the bag! Drop it! Drop it! Now, SIT!

Welcome aboard Northwest flight 19 with direct service from Minneapolis to Tokyo Narita. Our flight today will take approximately twelve hours and fifteen minutes.

Now I'm going to ask that you put down your newspapers, books, magazines, and knitting, take out the information card from the seat pocket in front of you, and follow along as we detail the safety features of this Boeing 757.

All of you.


32-B, just because you're in the middle, doesn't me I can't see you!

That's better.

There are eight emergency exits on this aircraft. Please take a moment to locate the exit nearest you, rememering that the closest exit may be behind you.

The closest exit may be behind you.

I do not see heads turning!

In the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your mouth and nose, secure by pulling on the straps, and breathe normally. If you're travelling with small children, secure your own mask first.

And let the little beggars fend for themselvess.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floation device.

Did you know that no commercial aircraft has ever made a water landing in one piece? That means that the chances that you'll use your seat cushion are, well, none. However, if you do survive the impact-- which is about the same as hitting a concrete parking lot-- there may be a seat cushion floating near your. Place your arms through the straps and kick-paddle your way to shore. Which should only be about four hundred miles. In the event you reach the afterlife of your choice, there will be an entrance quiz on the safety features of this aircraft.

(Beat.) Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that the captain has just informed me that we have indeed missed our takeoff window and we are now fifty-seventh in line for takeoff. Since we have pulled away from the terminal, we are going to ask that all passengers remain seated, with their seat belts firmly fastened, for the approximate three hours and forty-one minutes remaining to takeoff. We'll be distributing cookies, juice, and water to the passengers who can correctly identify the flight attendant serving them. Passengers with more than one carry on, children with video games that beep, and men who ask me if I want to join the Mile High Club will get nothing.

Thank you for flying with Northwest Airlines and let me say that I'm especially pleased to be sharing this, my very last flight with Northwest, with such a lovely group of passengers. I will not be returning to Minneapolis with you, but instead will be joining the White Path Temple in Shiga Prefecture to beging my studies as a Buddhist nun.

Please remember, my vow of non-violence does not begin until we land in Tokyo.

Enjoy your flight.

I love that monologue also. It's really long, but if I can keep up the energy (which is really my only problem-- I tend to rush it), I do it so well. It's so much fun to be completely bipolar!

Anyway, that's all. Tell me what y'all think :)
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January 2015


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